Good morning, world!
This is the morning news bulletin.
You don’t have much time, and because you don’t have much time we’ve made sure you get news-updated on what’s been happening around the globe, while you were snoring away all night long, under your thick, soft quilt.
Now drink your coffee in quick spasms, text your texts, post a quick picture of your breakfast on Facebook, twit your witty morning twit – in case people haven’t noticed you’ve woken up; post pictures of your children on the Internet; put on your pants (a shower before that would be OK but it’s not obligatory)…check lights, camera, aaaaand action…
…BWOW-BWOW BWOW-BWOW, CHKA-CHKA-BWOW…THIS IS SKY NEWS – NEWS CHANNEL OF THE YEAR – BWOW-BWOW CHKA-CHKA-BWOW (that’s music onomatopoeia…just clarifying)
The below is an excerpt of the morning news as I’ve heard them and what went through my head, not sure what went through my kids’ heads, but maybe certain things a mother shouldn’t know about her kids:
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR: Good morning, I’m something something…and this is the morning bulletin on Sky News…
A decision on whether Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius is granted bail is expected to be made later.
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR’S BAND: bwow-bwow chcka-bwow
ME: a jingle accompanying the news announcements, in case we get too bored with just the news announcements: heavy drumming, if there’s death.
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR: Travelling Tottenham Hotspur fans come under attack for the second time in three months ahead of tonight’s match in Lyon.
ME: if there were no attack on fans, the match tonight in Lyon is totally irrelevant.
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR’S BAND: bwow-bwow chcka-bwow
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR: Double Brit win for Emeli Sande…
ME: Smelly Sunday? I thought it was Bloody Sunday? Wasn’t that something something in Northern Ireland very long time ago? I thought we were talking about a match in Lyon…
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR’S BAND: strum-strum-tinkling, bwow-bwow chcka-bwow
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR: More news after the break!
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR’S BAND: strum-strum-tinkling
ADVERT: sexy male voice: “A glass of cold bubbly over the Himalayas…Your weather report is sponsored by Qatar Airways…”
WEATHER REPORTER’S BAND: bwow-bwow chcka-bwow
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR: Susie, tell us what have you prepared for us today
ME: Does Susie prepare the weather? “Today, I’ll give them heavy snow and lots of cramps, I don’t feel like any sunny, fluffy, bunny stuff”
SUSIE: Please, stay with us…weather report is coming sooooon! Loads of traffic jams and, yes, Martha, snowing all the way from Scotland!
WEATHER REPORTER’S and ANCHOR’S BANDS, TOGETHER: umpa-umpa, wah-wah, badum-tish!
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR: More news! Teen held after sex assault on four-year-old in Lancaster. Aaand now…bwow-wow, chka-wow, Oscar fever, high hopes for …. you will find out after Susie’s weather forecast…
HOT BLOND FEMALE ANCHOR’S BAND: badum tish
News excerpts from the morning radio bulletin, my thoughts and reactions to it.
RADIO NEWSREADER MAN: …Japan has hanged three death-row inmates, the first executions under Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. Police in Portugal said they’ve seized the largest ever amount of forged Euros something something 380,000 euros. The money was found something something in the city of Porto.
The Japanese electronics company Sony has unveiled its latest version of Play Station at an event something something in New York. The new Play Station 4 will allow users to stream and play games hosted on other servers.
ME: Wait, didn’t we cover the news in Japan already? So, Japan had a few inmates killed today. That’s what happened in Japan. Nothing else newsworthy about Japan, so, moving on…
RADIO NEWSREADER MAN: BBC news
RADIO NEWSREADER WOMAN: Hello and welcome to Health Check. Today something something why revealing your secret may be good for your health, something something, if you shave it will grow thicker and, something something, is it good to floss!
ME: Where do I begin?
RADIO NEWSREADER WOMAN: First today, 15% of Americans and 5% of British do it. Are you someone who obeys your dentist to take time everyday to take a length of string between your thumb and finger to floss between your teeth?
INTERVIEWEE 1, WITH A HEAVY SOUTHERN US ACCENT: “I floss because all the time my mouth begins to feel not as fresh. So my dentist taught me through how to floss. And I floss at least twice a day.”
INTERVIEWEE 2, VERY BRITISH ACCENT: “I keep it off floss, I don’t floss.”
ME: I floss, I floss often. It’s good to floss. I’ll teach my kids to floss. Floss, floss, floss. Sounds like gloss but it’s actually gross. Wait, what was the news of today, February 21st again? I’m late, need to get going for that interview. The world is in place, no nuclear bombs, major shakes, earthquakes, stock-market crashes, my kids are safe…
These two excerpts of news from today are just a fraction of what we are fed with on a daily basis. If I have to copy excerpts from twitter, RSS feeds, mobile phone messages, the same news will look like this:
Japan, twit twit, death
Blade Runner Oscar Pistorius, twit twit, Oscar fever
Brit awards, floss floss, twit twit
Mobile phone messages:
Jpn : – (
Oscr Pistorius rat-at-at at gf, bail?
Oscrs 107.2 F
And word of mouth? It’ll be based on what you’ve remembered from the TV news, the radio news, the twits, the RSSs, and the SMSs:
Bla bla, boom, twit, twit, floss, floss, rub-a-dub-dub three men in a tub, badum tish!
I wonder how news will be delivered about the time my kids grow up.
The news is hardly relevant today, the mish-mash it is presented in. It always looks like a bad meal. Just replace each snippet of news with an ingredient that is typical to the country the news originated from.
In the above case: South Africa, Japan, USA, UK, there was Himalayas, Portugal and Lyon (France) at some point, too. So, a lion steak, seaweed, sweet potato, what am I saying, USA? Corn, of course!, horse meat, Nepalese crickets pâté, green agriões, and snails. Who on earth is the cook and why is he not fired by now?
It’s like a huge copper boiler with burning asphalt in it and lots of fire under it, and a big guy stirs the ingredients with a big steel ladle while a bunch of other guys throw in snippets of news from all around the globe, all into the boiler. The guy with the metal spoon keeps stirring. Syria blasts – in the boiler, raped girl in India – shloop, in the boiler, Oscar fever for bail – in the boiler, gown fever for Oscars – in the boiler, Susie’s weather forecast? The murderer? The rapist? In the boiler. Wait, that was another type of boiler those guys go to.
Each snippet of a news is so distracting from one another that you forget what the news bulletin began with. Just about when you start praying for Pistorius and the pretty, hot blonde anchor freaks you out with news about electricity rise in Timbuktu and manslaughter in the outskirts of Nebraska, of all places. Nebraska is quite far away from Malta anyway, so I refocus myself onto the next snippet of news – miracle in Bangladesh. A pigeon there learned to play the kazoo.
What was my main point? Ah yes, the kids – my kids, kids, maybe your kids. What would our kids learn from the news – from the platforms on which news is carried, from the 4m in wch nwz is dlvrd 2day, and from the news content? Will delivering news become as irrelevant as news itself one day? I mean, we hardly bother to take umbrellas with us even though Susie told us to expect a downpour in an hour, let alone go to Africa to feed a couple of hungry giraffes.
And now that I raised this issue we can move on to the next news: which professions will become obsolete in 10 years time? You will find out after the break.